Sunday, February 1, 2009

Bumpin' and Shakin'

Having recently become a bit more of a social person, I've had occasion to meet a lot of new people. Normally this would be great, but it appears that while I was in my hermit stage of life something that I feel very strongly about has disappeared. I'm talking about the handshake.

I went to my new friends Michelle and Jeff's place for various social gatherings this weekend, and wasn't offered a single handshake; instead I would be greeted with a closed fist pointed in my direction. Unacceptable! There is no universally accepted way to fist bump, and everyone has their own little "moves" that they throw in at the end. I don't know about you, but I don't like a person to make me feel like a dope seconds after meeting them.

The handshake. Now there's something I can get behind. Fact! The handshake is a great way to assert your position as "alpha male" right from the get go. People don't say, "I admire that man's hand choreography." after a fist bump, but you give that same person a nice firm handshake and you will instantly be respected. If you do some simple hand exercises, they might even walk away saying, "I'd imagine he could crush a brick with that hand!" That's what really counts.

FACT! Has this ever happened to you? You offer your hand for a nice shaking, only to have to settle for a bump from the person. Seconds later, BAM! You're stabbed! You know why? Because you didn't get to check his wrists for concealed knives. Safety first, people.

FACT!!!!!! Girls are impressed when you can pick up on their sub-conscious feelings. Imagine you're on your first date with the gal from the malt shop. Instead of going in for a hug, you shake her hand, and in doing so notice that they're a little sticky (from the malts.) Shabam! You offer her a moist-nap. That's preparedness. Maybe when you shake her hand you notice they're a little clammy? Wham! You get in your car and turn on the air conditioner, maybe offer her a nice cold Shasta. Feel a ring on that handshake? Odds are she's married or a Wiccan, which let's you know that there is no need for going through with the date, simply wish her the best and drive off.

What I'm trying to say here is, please stop bumping my fist.

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